


scatter the petals (so i can't remember you)

by kimwonpil



Series: white petunias and yellow roses [1]
Category: N.Flying (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood and Injury, Canon Compliant, Fate & Destiny, First Kiss, Flowers, Fluff, Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24816691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimwonpil/pseuds/kimwonpil
Summary: hun can't remember the first time the petals had appeared, but he did remember the pain and the way his heart had broken and never pieced together again.seunghyub didn't love him and so the flowers bloomed between his bones and twisted around his lungs, until one day they would swallow him whole.— a hanahaki au
Relationships: Cha Hoon/Lee Seunghyub | J.DON
Series: white petunias and yellow roses [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050416
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	scatter the petals (so i can't remember you)

**Author's Note:**

> so!!! uhm this is new.
> 
> i've been a fan of n.flying for the longest time but i never thought about writing a fic until i saw how sparce the tag was and got a bit sad after clearing it out. so here we are i guess!!
> 
> i hope you enjoy this impromptu hanahaki au, it's rated m solely for the sort of graphic gore and usual angst shenanigans that i thought were a bit more than a t rating, but i promise it's nothing too heavy!
> 
> make sure to take care of yourself and have an amazing weekend, stay hydrated too!
> 
> (title taken from flower fantasy by n.flying)

  
  
  
  


White Petunias bathed in red. Hun supposed it was quite poetic, when he looked at them swirling around in the sink, the water blending the colours together and mesmerising him in the sterile light of the bathroom.

It was three in the morning, no time to be awake but no time to be asleep either, not when there were much more pressing matters to attend to. Like the fact that the flowers were there again, clogging up his throat and spilling out of his mouth, ripping up his insides with each heaving breath. They tumbled past his lips, petals tickling his teeth and Hun wondered if this time would be the last? The flowers had never been white before.

In the past they had been vibrant blooms, fuller and brighter like Roses and Tulips. The Petunias wilted.

Of course, it couldn't be just Hun forever, trapped in his own vicious cycle of thoughts. Footsteps approached the bathroom soon enough, quick and bounding. It had to be Jaehyun.

Jaehyun wasn't quiet as he opened the door, letting out a garbled noise at the sight of blood and flowers and so much water, spilling out the basin and onto the tiles, Hun's mouth smeared crimson.

“Hun this is bad… This is really bad.” He breathed out, suddenly close to silence. It was like a switch had been flicked and the world had turned off, Hun's ears ringing in the space of nothingness that came between Jaehyun's voice and his next dry heave.

This time only thorns came up, their stems thick and winding as Jaehyun rushed to pat his back in an attempt to soothe him. It didn't work. It never worked.

A routine had been set months ago when the flowers had first appeared, when they were only petals. Hun could remember each ache and stroke of unbearable pain and he could recall the way Jaehyun had stepped in to protect him. He was also the one who protected his secret, the only one to know who made the flowers appear.

When the last of the stems had left his airway, Hun slumped over, knees buckling as he made his way to sit on the floor, surrounded by the contents of his lungs. Jaehyun could do nothing but watch as Hun began to laugh, voice croaky and gaze delirious as he threw his head back.

“This is so stupid… Why aren't I dead yet Jaehyun? Why can't I just die?” He chuckled, eyes lost to the throes of what could've been. He could've had a life, had he just never loved the man he couldn't have.

Hun didn't hear the extra pairs of feet, padding cautiously towards the bathroom, following the eerie glow of the lights illuminating the otherwise pitch black apartment. When the three other men entered, the sight that befell them was one of painful realisation. This really could be the last time they saw the boy in front of them alive, his laughs cutting out upon sensing their presence.

“What's he doing here?”

Hun wheezed out, clutching his chest with a shaking palm as he used his other hand to point accusingly in the direction of the doorway. He staggered back up to his feet like a drunk man, several bodies rushing forward at once to help steady the poor boy who was losing all control of his limbs.

“Who, Hunnie? Who are you talking about?” Came Dongsung's quiet voice, the youngest shaking as he stood back from the group, unsure of what to make of the situation.

“You all know exactly who, don't try and hide the truth from yourself." Hun spat, blood trickling from his lips as his face turned deathly pale, white as a sheet as his vision began to go askew. The man he was talking to though, the one he really wanted to scream at and break down in front of, seemed to only retreat, turning tail and running from the bathroom to grab his phone.

Seunghyub, it was always Seunghyub that left his sight. He only ever stayed stuck in Hun's heart, trying to desperately hold all the fragile, fractured pieces together even when they were beyond repair. Seunghyub had never returned even a shred of his feelings, he was the one who had driven him into this mess and yet, Hun had never felt anger nor resentment towards him until his final moments.

“Hunnie you should sit back down—”

“Why?! Why should I sit down? I'm gonna fucking die, who cares what I do anymore?” Hun cried as his voice finally gave out like a candle burning until the wicker dried and crumbled into nothing. He felt hopeless, too many voices trying to speak to him, too many lights shining in his eyes and making him feel sick, so, so sick. And then there was Seunghyub, rambling into his phone as tears fell from his eyes. Hun felt time slow, like he was wading through the River Styx and Seunghyub was the boat that would carry him to the underworld.

_“Yes, it's Hanahaki disease… Stage Four? Probably._

_White flowers? Yes, there's lots of blood too. Please hurry._

_Do I know the Catalyst? Yeah…”_

A sob ripped from Seunghyub's throat, Hun couldn't help but start to cry too.

_“I know them now. I think it's me…”_

Hun slipped into the depths of the river, Jaehyun breaking his fall but it didn't matter.

Hun drowned.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It is said that when Achilles was dropped into the River Styx, his lungs should have taken in enough water to kill him instantly. Hun wondered, if maybe, like the great hero before him, his ankle would be pulled out of the River and back onto shore? Or would Hades snatch him first and Hun be made to watch as his soul aimlessly drifted away?

His eyes flickered, blue, white, blue, white, blue. Some wheels creaked below him and a shrill, urgent voice made his head hurt. The motion of his whole body being shoved made Hun's stomach lurch. This had to be it, this had to be the end. Someone placed a mask over his mouth, Hun waited for the Fields of Asphodel to greet him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“It was one of the most severe cases we've ever seen, the damage to his lungs would've been too great to operate on had you called any later. How exactly did you let it escalate this far?”

Eyes scanned around, the four men watching each other and wringing their hands, too nervous to admit being wrong, too ashamed to speak a word.

Jaehyun eventually cleared his throat.

“I thought it was under control, I'd been watching him for weeks and I believed things to be fine. He hadn't had an attack in a while, at least nothing beyond the stage one petals every now and then… And then there was tonight.” He finished with a whisper, usual hyperactive personality lost with each second he mulled over his thoughts. The image of Hun crumpling to the floor in a puddle of his own blood and flowers seared into his head, never to be taken out.

“I see. It's very fortunate that we could operate at all today. Thank you for bringing him here so quickly. As for our next steps, either the unrequited love will continue to cause him pain and lead to his memories being erased for the sake of his own life and health. Or, the Catalyst will come to their senses and we will be able to work something out.” The doctor's tone was serious, this was a matter of life and death after all, but it sent a chill down everyone's spine, the doctor's gaze falling on Seunghyub as they regarded him with an unreadable expression.

Seunghyub could only sit there, rubbing at the tears that were no longer falling but rather gathering in his eyes and stinging uncomfortably. He wanted out. He wanted to go and run and just exist in a world where this was not happening. But it was and he had to face the consequences. 

When had Hun even developed feelings for him?

_Oh._

It must've been that day right? The day when cherry blossoms bloomed and Hun's cheeks had turned pink to match, Seunghyub chuckling and sticking close to his side as they wandered through Seoul's busy streets. It was in preparation for a live show, a cake needed to be bought but neither men were clearly very invested in that task.

Hun had commented one too many times about how handsome Seunghyub was that day, about how his hair was nice now that it was back to black. Everything about Seunghyub seemed to be perfect to Hun that day.

For the elder, he had not noticed anything out of the ordinary, simply guessed that he'd caught Hun in a good mood. He didn't realise that Hun never poured out his heart like this to anyone else, didn't see that Hun's cheeks never flushed in the presence of the others.

Seunghyub was oblivious, he had always been, until…

Until Hun had shouted and shocked everyone.

Until Hun had made it very clear that Seunghyub was the reason he was dying.

Hun's blood lay caked on Seunghyub's hands, he hadn't had the strength to wash it off, he didn't want to. For until Hun was alive and safe and well, he wouldn't move a muscle from the waiting room.

Seunghyub's life lay in limbo; his heart lay in the hands of a boy who seemed too far away to reach.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The day Hun woke up was almost two weeks after he had slipped into a coma, no one had been there to witness it. He had woken up alone, to a cold bed and empty lungs; Hun cried for anyone he could think of. Jaehyun, Hweseung, Dongsung, his parents, even his cats. Anyone and everyone. Except for him. Hun didn't dare call out for the name that had only caused him immeasurable hurt.

A doctor had come rushing in, trying to calm him down as best as they could but it was futile. Hun was in hysterics. Terrified of what would happen if he was left alone with his thoughts again. He didn't want to die anymore, Hun didn't want to give up.

Asphodel be damned. Living had been eerily similar to the land of lost souls anyway, Hun had wandered the world in a state of disarray, he wouldn't let the fray capture him anymore.

“Hun please… We're only here to help you. Please calm down.” Came a second voice, a nurse. She wasn't as forceful in her actions as the doctor had been and Hun decided to listen now, sitting back instead of thrashing and watching her with squinted eyes. Everything hurt and even the low lighting of the room made him feel dizzy.

“You've been in a coma for two weeks now, but your lungs have been operated on and cleared out. The disease, of course, can still manifest, but you have a choice.”

Hun didn't like that. He didn't like choices. Choices always lead down dead end alleyways that left him hurt and afraid and confused, he would only ever choose wrong in situations like this, it was a curse.

“I don't want a choice, just get rid of the memories…” Hun breathed out with a shake of his head, he couldn't allow himself to keep living with the pain of knowing Seunghyub even existed.

The nurse stopped short, about to explain what she was talking about but Hun had beaten her to the chase. The boy in front of her was clearly not in a stable enough condition to make that decision, however; it was not even six in the morning and the men who had been watching over him so diligently were not yet awake. She stepped back from the bed once Hun stopped moving, the boy laying back and staring at the ceiling, taking in deep breaths of air after having been asleep for so long.

“I’ll consult with the doctor about this, but you can only erase your memories if you believe there is no better option. It is a drastic change and who knows what could have changed whilst you were asleep Hun?” She said quietly, leaving Hun to his thoughts as she exited the room, keeping the light on so Hun wouldn’t feel so trapped in the darkness.

“I just want to forget him, please?” Hun whispered out into the empty ward, the whirring fan and heart monitor being his only source of company.

But it seemed that fate had a strange way of twisting, the red string becoming entangled with another and looping into a tight, unbreakable knot.

Hun looked over to the door to find a shadow and he knew, somewhere deep down, it was the very person he no longer wished to know.

Seunghyub.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“Jaehyun… They had stems this time.”_

_The whispered voice felt like a heavy burden on Jaehyun's shoulders, knowing that Hun was getting worse, knowing that something was going so desperately wrong and yet he could not do anything about it._

_Hun had kept them all in the dark, but he only ever sought comfort in Jaehyun. Sometimes, he wondered if it was him that Hun coughed up the flowers for? Him that created Peonies and Daisies and Bluebells? But Hun denied that theory time and time again when it would tumble from Jaehyun's lips in a fit of annoyance. He only wanted to help his friend. Hun didn't want help though, he never wanted to bother anyone._

_“Let me see.” He breathed out with a sigh, hand open and waiting but Hun hesitated._

_“Aren't you going to ask who makes the flowers again?”_

_“Do you want me to?”_

_“It's Seunghyub.”_

_At first, there was silence. Jaehyun's brain took several seconds to realise what those words meant, whispering them under his breath as if to drill it into his head. Seunghyub. Seunghyub. It was Seunghyub._

_“Why don't you tell him?” Was all Jaehyun could breathe out in reply, the otherwise empty dorm suddenly feeling smaller and thick with an ineffable tension._

_Hun didn't reply for a long time, simply placing the wilting Chrysanthemum on Jaehyun's palm and moving to sit down across from the younger, staring at the carpet with an unwavering gaze._

_It stayed that way until something seemed to click within Hun, clearing his throat, and for a moment Jaehyun was worried more flowers would appear._

_“I don't tell him because I wouldn't want to put him in a position where he feels pressured to love me. I want love to be natural, Jaehyun. This… This… Thing, that's wrong with me, it's because he doesn't love me but I love him. If Seunghyub was forced to curate love towards me, the problem wouldn't even go away. So there's no point. I like things how they are now—”_

_“But you're hurting Hun, don't you want to just stop hurting?”_

_“The only way I can do that is to forget Seunghyub altogether, I don't want to, not just yet.” Hun whispered and shook his head, a lost sort of smile settling on his features. Jaehyun didn't understand. He didn't think he ever would and that was okay. All he needed to do was be there, until the end of the line._

_It was like the bridge between spring and summer, balanced on a warm and eerie precipice where days never seemed to end but still came to a close far too fast. Jaehyun hoped, as he watched the flower wilt in his hand, that Hun's day only ever ended in splendor._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hun can I come in?”

Seunghyub's hands were shaking with nerves, a feeling now normally foreign to him making itself known in every inch of his soul.

Hun didn't reply, Seunghyub didn't expect him to and so he stood waiting instead. He watched the clock tick over, minute by minute, the world still continuing on around him in a fervour that Seunghyub was jealous of. With everything that had happened, the past two weeks had tumbled into a meaningless mush of sleeping and waiting and existing without passion. Of course, he was there for Hun, for the boy who had only ever wanted to love him. But Seunghyub felt overwhelmed.

Maybe it was the hospital smell invading every one of his senses? Maybe it was the way Jaehyun hadn't stopped casting long glances in his direction for a fortnight? Seunghyub couldn't tell exactly what was going wrong, especially not now when he was faced with the reality that lay beyond the sliding door.

The fates had clearly had a ball crafting out his tale, just like they'd had fun pushing all the petals down into Hun's lungs until they could do nothing but pour out of him. The red string seemed to pull as he drew near to the handle of Hun's room, knowing he shouldn't invade the space Hun had so clearly needed but it felt as if this was just something he needed to do, without rhyme or reason.

“You can come in.”

Hun's voice was hanging by a thread, as if it would be swept off in a light autumn breeze should one push it too far. Seunghyub seemed to be only drawn in further, sliding the door back and stepping across the threshold that had been drawn shut for weeks. The vermilion around him burned, the string unravelling and falling into nothing as he went to sit beside Hun, taking his hand as the younger held his out. Something snapped, time seemed to break as if the union between them went against its very lore. But Seunghyub knew there was nothing wrong about what happened next.

He leaned in closer, until Hun's lips were mere centimetres from his and the breath shared between them was too much and not enough all at once. Seunghyub waited for a sign, anything that would tell him that this wasn't what Hun wanted, but the younger didn't pull away or make a move to say anything in protest. And so Seunghyub pressed the lightest of kisses to Hun's lips, reminiscent of a dew drop in spring before he pulled away just as fast.

“Seunghyub, what was that?”

If Hun had been any quieter, Seunghyub would never have heard him. But the elder was so close still and was far too in tune with Hun to miss anything. 

“A kiss…?”

“I know that you idiot, I mean why did you kiss me?”

That question seemed to make Seunghyub second guess himself. Why exactly had he kissed Hun? What was he supposed to gain from the action at all?

Seunghyub supposed that it was to test the waters? He had never _not_ loved Hun, he just hadn't loved him in the way Hun needed him to. It was then that something clicked in Seunghyub's head, having a sudden revelation as he looked up at Hun with shining eyes.

“The flowers…”

“What about them?” Hun asked, looking completely confused as his brows furrowed.

“They're not appearing right now, are they?” Seunghyub had posed it as a question, but it was more of a statement. The flowers were very clearly not there, Hun's lungs free of pollen and thorns and the sickly sweet smell of blossoming fauna that used to make the boy gag.

It was then that Hun realised too, his own red string fraying at the edges as he escaped the tight bind of fate he had been wound into. His destiny free for him to carve in the blink of an eye.

“Before you say anything… I don't think I'm in love with you yet, not in that way anyway. But I think someone, somewhere up there, knows I will do, eventually.” Seunghyub grinned, leaning forward once again and rubbing their noses together, smile on his face only growing larger as Hun returned the gesture.

“That is by far the cheesiest thing you've ever said, don't say it again.”

“Oh I will do Cha Hun, don't worry.” Seunghyub sang, pressing one last kiss to Hun's forehead before pulling back, everything being worth it to see the blush spread across Hun's cheeks. It was like seeing the first blossoms once again, just as he had done when Hun had caught feelings for him. Except this time, the sakura seemed to burst into life on Seunghyub's cheeks all the same.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“I don't think he'll ever love me. These flowers, Jaehyun, they're going to become one with my bones until I am nothing but a garden of unrequited feelings and dead hearts.”_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Jaehyun…” 

Hun whispered to the younger on his first day back at home, as the pair sat, solitary, in the kitchen. The time on the wall was insignificant but Jaehyun knew that they had been there for a while now, just living in the other's presence. It was enough for them, two best friends who had been through so much and needed a moment to simply breathe air back into their lungs.

“I'm a garden.” Hun continued with a light-hearted chuckle.

“You're a what?!”

“A garden. I think I said something like that a few months ago…?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“What about Seunghyub then? What is he?”_

_“Seunghyub is the sun. He keeps my garden growing, keeps everything alive despite my very existence being at stake. But he will eventually kill it off, the light and heat will become unbearable. I'll shrivel up and die.”_

_“That's horrible.”_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Yeah, I think I remember now. But wasn't that garden bad?” Jaehyun questioned, lips drawn into a thin line as he traced along the cracks in the wooden table, unsure of where Hun would take the conversation.

“This time, I'm a plentiful garden, a whole botanical spread of flora and fauna and all the magic that comes in between each leaf. I'm not yet beautiful, rather overgrown and shabby, but I'll get there one day.”

Hun's tone was wistful but still sure, Jaehyun smiled. The look of determination in Hun's eyes telling him all he needed to know.

“Is Seunghyub still the sun?”

“Yes, but he shines on in harmony, forever and ever, alongside my vibrant petals and firm roots.”

“That's beautiful.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> here's my twitter :D : [@acepiri](https://twitter.com/acepiri)  
> 


End file.
